Sex Toys

They are the most fun things ever. Ever! And the nice thing is, you don’t even have to buy them from a store with suspiciously blacked out windows! You can make your own!

The resistance to sex toys has always amused and baffled me in equal measure. Surely, I said to my esteemed friend, we can consider anything used in the pursuit of naked sexy times to be a sex toy – meaning that technically your bed is one, for example. So why the instant scrunched up nose at the suggestion of, for example, a vibrator with settings and attachments?

Ah, said she, clearly it’s a combination of two things: our Puritan hangover, and the different comfort levels of the individuals involved. I had to agree with her. Damn that Puritan hangover, and all its insidious, creeping tentacles that have infiltrated our very hearts and minds.

All I know is I don’t have enough of them. I have a particular love of penis-shaped ones, but there is more than enough room in my bedside locker for all the oddly shaped body-safe materials in the world.

A strange thought – if you masturbate into a sock? That sock is now a sex toy.

I think everyone should have at least one on hand. Like, we all have star signs, and favorite colors, and other signature things that identify us to the outside world and to our partners. Why not have a preferred sex toy? It would say so much about us to prospective sharers of sexy times.

In my case, it would be a giant vibrating dong, maybe with a riding crop attached somewhere.

// shay

What sexy stuff should you be ashamed of?

I am all about the no-bullshit, guys. Seriously. This is a zero bullshit zone.

So now I’m going to talk about something that I expect you’ve thought about, even in passing. People don’t talk about sex, and there’s this aura of shame and not-talking surrounding it like a forcefield out of Star Trek. Huge walls of shame and not-talking, in fact, even when it would make sense. And I’m not referring to times when it’d be completely out of place to mention sexytimes, like when you’re giving a business presentation – I mean when it’d actually be useful.

What aspects of sexytimes should you be rightfully be ashamed of and not talk about?

The obvious answer, of course, is FUCKING NOTHING. You should NEVER be ashamed of sexytimes. The only thing you need to concern yourself with is whether the stuff you do to induce orgasms aplenty is hurting other people who don’t want to be hurt. If everyone involved is enthusiastically getting it on, then you have permission to give absolutely no fucks about being ashamed.

BUT WITH THAT SAID

Look, this may be the 21st century, but old traditions die hard. And talking about sexytimes is difficult for people, because pretty much any mass media that isn’t the Internet demonizes the living fuck out of human sexuality. A woman can talk candidly about being in an car accident, for example. It’s easy, up to a point, to talk about getting hurt. But a woman who talks candidly about having sex? NOPE. LOL NOT ALLOWED, TEH WIMMINZ DON’T ENJOY SEX!

Which, by the way, is really fucking weird when you think about it for all of two seconds. Like, is it still a revelation to Fox News that women mostly have sex for fun, and both men and women are giant kinky freaks in bed? (Caveat: not including the asexuals in the audience here, of course.) Is this a revelation to ANYONE with a working brain? I don’t know, seriously…

But yeah, that’s how it is. All you lovely people reading this now? Congrats, you’re ahead of the curve, the way of the future. But the world is still largely run by straight white male assholes who think women have sex in order to manipulate men or because they’re doing their wifely duty. That’s what you’re up against in your daily life, and the aura of not-talking around sexytimes is changing verrrrrryyyy sllloooowwwwwwwwllllyy.

This all means you have to play the game of ‘who should I talk to and how much should I say, so they won’t freak out?’ It’s okay for you, personally, to give no fucks about what you do in bed and with whom, but if you’re going to be shamed or judged for it if you tell the wrong person, well, that’s another thing entirely. You have to be careful, until the world becomes a place where talking openly about sex isn’t considered a sign of mental illness or a character flaw.

First of all, if you’re having sexytimes with someone(s), then nothing is off the table. Remember what I’ve said before? If you’re going to get naked with someone and rub your bits together for the purpose of orgasms, then by default you have no shame about anything. You’re already past the point where shame is going to be a factor. So talk about everything! Do this to me, can I do that to you, goddamnit where’s the vibrator, don’t worry my spare lube is in the other drawer, hey not so rough please, do you think we could try this with me on my back, what’s your favorite condom flavor… and so on. There is no need to resort to infantile euphemisms when you’re balls deep in someone already, c’mon.

I’ve been with partners who referred to their genitals as ‘down there’, like they’re whatshername out of Fifty Shades, I shit you not. PLEASE don’t do that. And consider avoiding the words ‘cunt’, ‘pussy’, ‘dick’, or ‘cock’, because frankly they’re overused in porn and really unimaginative. Or ‘boobs/boobies’, because that makes anyone sound like they’re a teenager who’s just discovered how to masturbate. These body parts have names already, you know.

…Personally, I prefer to use phrases like ‘magical squishy fun receptacle’, ‘the cave of unearthly delights’, ‘meat missile’, ‘erection flavored lollipop’, and ‘nipple coasters’, but that’s mostly because I have the imagination for it and I find my sexytimes are infinitely enhanced by making the whole thing even more ridiculous than it is already.

Anyway, getting back to the point…

Engaging in sexytimes means no shame, even if your partner(s) have some shame going on. It doesn’t matter. It’s too important to talk about everything you’re doing while sexytimes are ongoing, or else you can’t be assured of everyone involved having a good time. In my experience, if you show that you don’t care, then they stop caring too, and the shame goes away.

For everyone who isn’t someone who has permission to give you orgasms, you have to be careful. Fellow Internet denizens of Tumblr, Livejournal, and other generally sex-positive places will likely know your feels and be totally okay with talking about whatever on the level of casual conversation. Offline Luddites who watch too much TV? Step lightly around them. The general rule is this: if someone has spent lots of time absorbing shitty attitudes towards sex and very little time absorbing healthy attitudes towards sex, then they are a baaaaaaaad person to talk to about sex. They will probably judge and shame you like whoah for doing the same thing they do, except you’re actually talking about it with words to other people.

Never mention it in a work environment unless the work thing you do involves sex. And even then, use the stupid euphemisms and stick to strictly vanilla stuff until you know it’s safe to talk about kinky shit.

Bear in mind that, for some people, anything but the missionary position is going to be considered kinky shit.

For someone who you’d like to get it on with, then… you need some special tactics. First of all, figure out if they’re a prude about sex or not. Spend enough time around someone and you’ll get a sense of how they feel about sex, even if all you’re talking about is knitting. Once you’ve gotten that far, then I have two methods you can try, if they’re not prudish. The first is the direct ‘as subtle as a brick to the face’ method: inquire as to whether they’re seeing anyone, let them know that you find them quite appealing, and offer to get freaky/start a relationship. The second is to use the slightly less obvious ‘invite them over for coffee late at night’ line and see if they pick up on your suggestive glances towards the bedroom. The upside of this is you get an answer pretty quick. The downside is that, depending on how things were said and how the object of your lust responded, you may not be able to hang out with them anymore because the whole not-talking forcefield around sex has now labelled you a weirdo in their mind.

Anything more subtle than this is likely going to lead to bad-comedy-level embarrassment due to misunderstandings. That or it goes too far into the domain of pick-up artistry, and frankly I got nothing but contempt for those assholes and their stupid mind games.

Now, if they’re a prude… well, you’re probably shit out of luck. Sorry. There’s no way to talk to someone about sex if their whole attitude to it can be summed up as ‘EWWWW’ or ‘How dare you speak of the thing which shall not be named!’ Seriously, there’s nothing you can do with that. Let’s be honest here, they’re probably not all that good in bed even if they’re attractive enough to float your particular boat. Refusing to know anything about sex usually means being bad at it, obviously – and that’s different from just being ignorant about it, okay? Ignorance can be solved. So do yourself a favor and find someone else with a better attitude.

Finally – Happy New Year and all that! I hope your holidays were filled with sexy fun times, and only a little awkwardness. This brain dump of whatever was brought to you by Shay’s random musings about sex.

//shay

Question time – social anxiety!

Meda asks this:

I’ve really been enjoying your sex and dating advice posts. Can I request one on overcoming social anxiety and depression and learning how to become sexual and date for the first time? I was physically and emotionally abused as a child, and I can’t interact easily with people now, even platonically, without feeling nauseous, unattractive, and annoying. Between fear of being touched and parents who tried to instil a disgust towards sex in me, I’m afraid to look up porn or masturbate. But I know the interest is there, and I want to overcome this. Any advice on taking the first step?

That sucks, man. Body shame is some grade-A nasty that no one should have to suffer through. Never fear, though – I got some no-bullshit advice for you.

So let’s start at the beginning, my friend.

Depression ain’t the same as social anxiety. It is horrible stuff that can and does wreck your life sideways. Go see a doctor about it, seriously. They’ll likely try you on a few different types of medication to see if any of them stick, and maybe send you to therapy, all that kind of stuff. And yeah, I know that shit is intimidating, but talking to the professionals is the best possible way to fix it.

Don’t believe any New Age bullshit about this. I mean it. Go see a doctor and get medical grade, high level help. If you got no insurance, go looking for free alternatives, or scrape together enough for a couple of counsellor visits or something. Really. Go do it soon.

Now, having said all that…

Brains are weird things, man. They’re more flexible than we give them credit for. This block you have going on is a defense mechanism – probably a pretty good one if it got you through a shitty childhood. Breaking through something like that just ain’t easy – but, see, you can make your brain do some pretty bizarre stuff. You might be able to route around it instead.

Yes, I’m aware this sounds like all kinds of odd.

So context matters. All this stuff you feel, it’s all in your head, and it’s tied int a way of thinking that’s been hammered into you since forever. Getting around it means you have to figure out a new way of thinking about the thing that’s making you feel uncomfortable – a way that doesn’t trigger all that nasty crap.

Example: for the sex thing, how about thinking about it clinically? Like, a huge ton of ingrained shame is holding you back here, so look for the aspects of it that have little or no shame attached, like academic research. It’s kinda the same thing for your body – if you’re afraid of being touched, and of masturbation, then try spending a while on Wikipedia reading about the actual science of orgasms, like you’re studying for an exam. Try examining yourself in the mirror, and say ‘Yes, this is the part of me that makes orgasms happen. Isn’t that interesting?’

It sounds pretty dumb, but there is method to my madness. This disassociates your way of thinking from the SHAME AAAAH stuff and forces your brain to make new connections between you, Meda-person, and the whole big disgusting world of sexy times, and hopefully these connections won’t make you puke. This becomes a new starting point from where you can develop your relationship with sex in a controlled way, at your own pace, and eventually you can bring yourself around to the scary concepts of pleasure and sex with other people and all that fun stuff. It’s like fooling yourself into thinking, ‘Yeah, this would be icky and dirty and wrong if I were actually engaging in sexytimes, but I’m totally not because this is FOR SCIENCE.’ Then, sometime later, when you’ve made the FOR SCIENCE part strong enough to stand on its own, you start to morph it into something more:

Yeah, this would be icky and dirty and wrong if I were actually engaging in sexytimes, but I’m totally not because this is FOR SCIENCE.

||

I’m totally not really engaging in sexytimes because this is FOR SCIENCE.

||

This is FOR SCIENCE and also WHOAH feels good man!

||

YAAAAY SEXYTIMES FOR ALL!

So hopefully this will lead around to you being comfortable with your own physical self, which is totally awesome. From that point, you kinda have to wing it when it comes to sexytimes with other people involved. Best I can tell you is that the process is more or less the same, except you have to explain to whoever you’re getting jiggy with that you gots some issues, and it’d be cool if they handled you gently and not get too weirded out by the whole thing. And, of course, it goes without saying that if they’re not willing to respect that or if they push you too far, you dropkick them off a cliff right back into Singles-town.

You NEVER, EVER tolerate anyone who thinks your mental health and safety don’t matter. EVER.

*ahem*

The nice thing about this method is that knowing a lot about something makes it a hell of a lot less scary. Like, if you’re terrified of spiders, and you surround yourself with pictures of spiders and articles about spiders doing their thing and plushie toys of spiders and whatever, and then you meet one in real life, they don’t seem so intimidating. You end up connecting them with ‘so that’s their thorax, and remember that article on how their eyes work’, instead of ‘AAAH CREEPY ALIEN THING DIE IN A FIRE!’

Does that make sense? It totally makes sense in my head. Total brain hack, man. Start reading on Wikipedia and see where it takes you. And watch Sexplanations, which is a great Youtube series where a very nice doctor lady explains all kinds of sexy things, and which is also more or less SFW as long as you’ve got your headphones on.

NOW

Social anxiety! I know this feel, bro. This could be fixed by anti-depression meds, but I ain’t gonna go there. So here’s my advice, because it worked for me – practice at talking to people where it doesn’t matter. Again, because interwebs, you can make a new username and pretty much become a new person overnight among a bunch of new people. So take the fandoms, for example – jump into one, immerse yourself in it, talk to other fans about it, and practice talking to people in the sure and certain knowledge that you can vanish, any time you want, and start over somewhere else. When the stuff you say has zero repercussions, you do get less afraid of saying stuff in general.

Apart from that, don’t be afraid of being wrong, or hurting someone’s feelings, or embarrassing yourself, okay? Shit’s always going to happen. Just remember you’re only human, and you will likely fuck up a lot. So if you’re wrong, be humble, and accept the correction. If you hurt someone, apologize sincerely, and make amends if you can. If you embarrass yourself, just smile, and laugh.

All those things you’re so scared of – I know what that feels like, in the back of your head, and the way it sometimes stops you saying anything at all. But see, they’re going to happen anyway, and they’re a lot less scary if you own them, and make things right when you have to. Just start with listening to other people. It’s easy to join in when they’re happy, and easy to stay quiet and listen to all sides when a fight is going down. And if someone tries to tear into you… listen to why they’re saying it, not what they’re saying. It’s really hard for someone to throw hate at you and mean every word, because actually hating people is fucking exhausting. They’re more likely being frustrated, or lazy, or lashing out because of other reasons, or all kinds of random crap that doesn’t hinge on you, personally.

(Also – best way to utterly defeat a troll? Psychoanalyze them. In excruciating detail. Once you start theorizing on whether their super-ego has had a positive or negative effect on their propensity for anonymous commentary, and speculating on the likelihood of their bad grammar usage indicating sociopathic tendencies, most of them tend to shut up because ANYTHING they post can be used against them.)

So yeah. For what it’s worth, my friend, this is my advice to you, with a side-bonus of inane rambling on the nature of the brain. May this wall o’ text serve you well.

//shay

When nothing you do seems to work

Welcome back to Shay’s weird relationship advice column, for all your actually-works dating methods needs!

So, now we should talk about when shit doesn’t work out and you can’t seem to find anyone who isn’t all kinds of crazy, or anyone at all. This happens. It’s also the thing that men’s rights activists get majorly upset about, and start stupid shitty programs like those Pick Up Artist books or whatever.

(If you’re a dude who’s considering buying into that shit, STOP. Just don’t. That snake oil is as bad as Cosmo and frankly all kinds of creepy to boot.)

Anyway, I dunno if this is more for the menz or the wimminz, but I like to think I write for everyone, so let’s just dive in.

First of all, your inability to get into a relationship doesn’t say jack shit about you as a person. Would you think something is wrong with you if, say, you dislike some of your co-workers? No? Look, people sometimes just don’t get along. It’s no reflection on either, it just is what it is. So don’t beat yourself up too badly if you had a few relationships that didn’t work out, or if you can’t seem to find anyone who shares your enthusiasm for mutual sexy times. It doesn’t make you a loser. It doesn’t make you anything but a person not currently in a satisfying relationship.

Second of all – get some perspective. Take a good, hard look at how long you’ve been searching and who you’ve been interacting with. If you’ve been talking to the same five people for the last year, don’t be surprised if you’ve had no sexy times.

See, it’s all about the law of averages. The more people you talk to, the higher your likelihood of meeting someone for whom you are their vision of sexy glory fun times. And this is true regardless of what you look like, I shit you not.

Thirdly – rule out the obvious stuff. You need a basic level of hygiene to go out and interact with other humans without scaring them off. If you don’t shower regularly, then no, you ain’t gonna get in the sack with anyone with a functioning sense of smell.

(Major caveat to that – gym sweat smell. For some people, the smell of workout sweat is the aphrodisiac of the gods. So don’t feel too self-conscious about that.)

Fourthly – find someone you trust who you know for a fact isn’t out to get you or batshit insane. Find several such persons to increase the sample size and get better data. Ask them if anything you’re doing seems like a bad idea – if there’s a pattern you can’t see, or a kind of behaviour you’re engaging in that’s an obvious red flag.

Don’t ask the people you want to date. They will lie to you ‘to spare your feelings’. Fuck that noise. You need brutal honesty.

Fifthly – once you get some feedback, don’t take it personally. You did ask for it. Just think about it a while, see if it makes sense.

Sixthly – the answer is not to change yourself to fit expectations. Let’s be honest here – that shit is like trying to move a fucking mountain with your bare hands and it’s about as successful most of the time. The answer is to find someone who is into your brand of crazy. If a friend tells you that people are put off by your incessant desire to talk about Pokemon, then you need to join a Pokemon forum and see if any fellow Pokemon lovers want to join you in unholy trainerhood. Trust me, it’s a lot less difficult than trying not to talk about Pokemon, if you do indeed love it like whoah.

Like everything else in this world, if some shit isn’t working, STOP DOING IT. It’s a stupid idea to keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting to get different results. If you’re trying to meet people while being drunk in shitty bars and keep getting assholes interested in you, then maybe you should, I dunno, trying Internet dating for a while.

Finally – don’t think you can trick someone into a relationship. Because that is a shitty thing to do, obviously, and it has a reeeeeeeally low chance of working out. So even if you think being honest is going to lower your chances, just fucking be honest. It’ll likely save you a lot of pain later.

I hope this has been instructive, my friends. Until next time!

//shay

On the finding of people, perhaps behind the couch

“The issue is finding someone…”

I hear you, man. Goddamn people, always getting lost, just like my car keys. (Nah I’m just kidding, don’t leave yet!)

So look – this is another thing the lovelorn say. How to find someone? Cosmo tells you shit like ‘hang around the Apple store’, which, once again, is the dumbest crap I’ve heard in at least an hour or two. Also – it won’t work. All that’ll happen is the nerds employed by the Apple store will constantly ask if you need help, and then stand at a safe distance giving you the evil eye when you tell them no.

Here’s a way to find someone that actually fucking works.

Step 1: Pick a thing you like to do. It’s gotta be something you really like a lot, because:

Step 2: Do that thing as hard as possible. Doesn’t matter if you’re good or not, because that isn’t the point of this exercise. It can be: playing music, giving fashion advice, critiquing modern art, taking detailed measurements of eyebrows, directing porn videos. Who cares? It’s a thing you like to do that other people also do. As long as it’s legal, you’re good.

Step 3: Go online, or somewhere local, and find other people who also do this thing. You’ll have lots to talk about, because you’ve been doing this thing like whoah. Go out and find as many people as possible, on forums, in Meetup groups, on Facebook, whatever, all who do this thing you like to do too. This is the age of teh interwebs, and I guarantee that, no matter how odd your interest, there are others out there for whom it is also the most awesome thing ever.

Step 4: You will find friends. This is good! Just try to meet and talk to as many people as possible, and make as many friends as possible. Through natural human friendship osmosis, you will eventually end up with a strata of friends, from the very close to the mild acquaintance. Continue making friends until you find a few people who rustle your sexual jimmies.

Step 5: Remember what I said in the last post? Find a thing that you and the person you’re into both like to do, and ask to do it with them until maximum levels of fun have been attained? Bonus! You don’t have to find a thing! You already know the thing! It the thing that brought you into contact with each other! THINGCEPTION!

Step 6: From this point on, it’s a matter of doing the thing together and eventually bringing up the subject of indulging in sexy times. If they don’t want to do the thing with you, or indulge in sexy times with you – eh, you win some, you lose some, and at least you still have a friend who might be able to help you in your search. Rinse and repeat as necessary until you’re banging bits with someone, and now you’ll have something to talk about when you’re done with the orgasms.

See, this is the method that seems to be most successful, kids, because it’s the one that’s worked for THE ENTIRETY OF FUCKING HUMAN HISTORY. People get together, bound by a common interest, and it is guaranteed that some of them will be mutually attracted and sexy times will ensue. In order for you to find a suitable person, you just have to get out there and meet as many people as possible, and having a common interest means it’s a hell of a lot easier to meet people, talk to them, make friends, and someday jump in the sack with them.

You do not need to dress up, or put on some kind of attitude, or hide your weirdness, or basically pretend to be someone you’re not in the hopes of impressing your preferred gender. You are not a bird, and you do not need to put on mating displays, for gods’ sake. Down that way lies disappointment and bad romantic comedies.

Now… I’m sure some of you are saying, “But I’ve tried that, Shay! And I’m still all on my lonesome and no one wants to do the horizontal mambo with me!” Well, have some patience, my dears. I’ll get to that in the next post.

//shay

Rules of Dating

HAHAHAHA NOPE.

Oh wait, you thought I was serious? ALLOW ME TO LAUGH EVEN HARDER.

*ahem*

Sorry, but Cosmo’s been trolling you yet again, my friends. Consider this: do you have rules for friendships? Do you have rules for interactions with your co-workers? How about with your family?

No?

Then why would you have a set of rules governing dating on the level of ‘if they don’t text back immediately, they’re not interested’?

C’mon, be serious. Some people’s idea of a fantastic first date is spending all night indoors playing co-op Halo on Xbox. Other people prefer dancing. Or movie night. Then, afterwards, some people like to wait until the second or third date to jump in the sack, and some other people don’t even want to have dinner before breaking out the condoms and lube.

The point is that Cosmo is full of shit when it lays down these rules. Look, the only rules you have to follow are the ones that come with a criminal record if you break them. For dating, you are allowed to do whatever seems like a good idea as long as all involved are enthusiastically consenting to it.

Difficult it ain’t.

So here’s my advice – once you find someone you like, figure out a thing that both of you like to do, and ask that person to come do it with you. If they say yes, great! Repeat until maximum levels of fun have been attained. Then politely inquire as to the probability of sexy times in the near future. If they say no, at least you still have a friend who you can have fun with, and who may help you find other people that you like who will also want to engage in sexy times with you.

If this sounds simple, it’s because it is. It hasn’t failed for me yet.

// shay

Shay’s List

I think I’ve already established two things: (a) this blog is NSFW, and (b) I have very little shame. So, with that in mind, here’s a list! Of PEOPLE!

More specifically, this is a list of Famous Non-Fictional People I Would Bonk Like A Wild Animal, Preferably All At The Same Time.

What? I want to share. And there’s been a distinct lack of interesting sexytimes posts here. I promised more sexytimes, and I WILL deliver. Anyway – the List!

  • Jon Stewart. Because hot damn, for a guy who just turned fifty, he’s walking talking sexy gnnnaaaahhhhh I waaaaant.
  • Chris Hemsworth. He has fine abs and a nice butt. I would do filthy, filthy things to that butt.
  • Dita von Teese. Yes, the burlesque dancer. Look her up. Now check out her routine in the martini glass. Guh…
  • Annie Lennox. She’s a singer, was big in the 80’s (am I showing my age?) and her voice makes significant parts of me go twang.
  • Christina Hendricks. Because of booooobs, mmmmm.

….

Somehow I’m blanking on more.

See, my big problem is that the vast majority of famous actors and actresses, for example, are conventionally attractive. And to me, that means mostly boring. I like Chris Hemsworth because, let’s be honest here, he was major eye candy in Thor and I totally appreciate that. But my major weakness – big, chubby guys with muscles, preferably hairy, or hourglass-shaped women with bouncy breasts – tend to not get a whole lot of screen time. I keep asking myself, why are these guys all so goddamn chiseled? And why are all these actresses so skinny and practically clones of each other?

I’m sure I’ll think of more.

So what does this prove? Mostly that I have some crazy-ass taste, yo. And I am totally okay with this, for all that my list is short.

This’d be one hell of an orgy…

//shay