I am all about the no-bullshit, guys. Seriously. This is a zero bullshit zone.
So now I’m going to talk about something that I expect you’ve thought about, even in passing. People don’t talk about sex, and there’s this aura of shame and not-talking surrounding it like a forcefield out of Star Trek. Huge walls of shame and not-talking, in fact, even when it would make sense. And I’m not referring to times when it’d be completely out of place to mention sexytimes, like when you’re giving a business presentation – I mean when it’d actually be useful.
What aspects of sexytimes should you be rightfully be ashamed of and not talk about?
The obvious answer, of course, is FUCKING NOTHING. You should NEVER be ashamed of sexytimes. The only thing you need to concern yourself with is whether the stuff you do to induce orgasms aplenty is hurting other people who don’t want to be hurt. If everyone involved is enthusiastically getting it on, then you have permission to give absolutely no fucks about being ashamed.
BUT WITH THAT SAID
Look, this may be the 21st century, but old traditions die hard. And talking about sexytimes is difficult for people, because pretty much any mass media that isn’t the Internet demonizes the living fuck out of human sexuality. A woman can talk candidly about being in an car accident, for example. It’s easy, up to a point, to talk about getting hurt. But a woman who talks candidly about having sex? NOPE. LOL NOT ALLOWED, TEH WIMMINZ DON’T ENJOY SEX!
Which, by the way, is really fucking weird when you think about it for all of two seconds. Like, is it still a revelation to Fox News that women mostly have sex for fun, and both men and women are giant kinky freaks in bed? (Caveat: not including the asexuals in the audience here, of course.) Is this a revelation to ANYONE with a working brain? I don’t know, seriously…
But yeah, that’s how it is. All you lovely people reading this now? Congrats, you’re ahead of the curve, the way of the future. But the world is still largely run by straight white male assholes who think women have sex in order to manipulate men or because they’re doing their wifely duty. That’s what you’re up against in your daily life, and the aura of not-talking around sexytimes is changing verrrrrryyyy sllloooowwwwwwwwllllyy.
This all means you have to play the game of ‘who should I talk to and how much should I say, so they won’t freak out?’ It’s okay for you, personally, to give no fucks about what you do in bed and with whom, but if you’re going to be shamed or judged for it if you tell the wrong person, well, that’s another thing entirely. You have to be careful, until the world becomes a place where talking openly about sex isn’t considered a sign of mental illness or a character flaw.
First of all, if you’re having sexytimes with someone(s), then nothing is off the table. Remember what I’ve said before? If you’re going to get naked with someone and rub your bits together for the purpose of orgasms, then by default you have no shame about anything. You’re already past the point where shame is going to be a factor. So talk about everything! Do this to me, can I do that to you, goddamnit where’s the vibrator, don’t worry my spare lube is in the other drawer, hey not so rough please, do you think we could try this with me on my back, what’s your favorite condom flavor… and so on. There is no need to resort to infantile euphemisms when you’re balls deep in someone already, c’mon.
I’ve been with partners who referred to their genitals as ‘down there’, like they’re whatshername out of Fifty Shades, I shit you not. PLEASE don’t do that. And consider avoiding the words ‘cunt’, ‘pussy’, ‘dick’, or ‘cock’, because frankly they’re overused in porn and really unimaginative. Or ‘boobs/boobies’, because that makes anyone sound like they’re a teenager who’s just discovered how to masturbate. These body parts have names already, you know.
…Personally, I prefer to use phrases like ‘magical squishy fun receptacle’, ‘the cave of unearthly delights’, ‘meat missile’, ‘erection flavored lollipop’, and ‘nipple coasters’, but that’s mostly because I have the imagination for it and I find my sexytimes are infinitely enhanced by making the whole thing even more ridiculous than it is already.
Anyway, getting back to the point…
Engaging in sexytimes means no shame, even if your partner(s) have some shame going on. It doesn’t matter. It’s too important to talk about everything you’re doing while sexytimes are ongoing, or else you can’t be assured of everyone involved having a good time. In my experience, if you show that you don’t care, then they stop caring too, and the shame goes away.
For everyone who isn’t someone who has permission to give you orgasms, you have to be careful. Fellow Internet denizens of Tumblr, Livejournal, and other generally sex-positive places will likely know your feels and be totally okay with talking about whatever on the level of casual conversation. Offline Luddites who watch too much TV? Step lightly around them. The general rule is this: if someone has spent lots of time absorbing shitty attitudes towards sex and very little time absorbing healthy attitudes towards sex, then they are a baaaaaaaad person to talk to about sex. They will probably judge and shame you like whoah for doing the same thing they do, except you’re actually talking about it with words to other people.
Never mention it in a work environment unless the work thing you do involves sex. And even then, use the stupid euphemisms and stick to strictly vanilla stuff until you know it’s safe to talk about kinky shit.
Bear in mind that, for some people, anything but the missionary position is going to be considered kinky shit.
For someone who you’d like to get it on with, then… you need some special tactics. First of all, figure out if they’re a prude about sex or not. Spend enough time around someone and you’ll get a sense of how they feel about sex, even if all you’re talking about is knitting. Once you’ve gotten that far, then I have two methods you can try, if they’re not prudish. The first is the direct ‘as subtle as a brick to the face’ method: inquire as to whether they’re seeing anyone, let them know that you find them quite appealing, and offer to get freaky/start a relationship. The second is to use the slightly less obvious ‘invite them over for coffee late at night’ line and see if they pick up on your suggestive glances towards the bedroom. The upside of this is you get an answer pretty quick. The downside is that, depending on how things were said and how the object of your lust responded, you may not be able to hang out with them anymore because the whole not-talking forcefield around sex has now labelled you a weirdo in their mind.
Anything more subtle than this is likely going to lead to bad-comedy-level embarrassment due to misunderstandings. That or it goes too far into the domain of pick-up artistry, and frankly I got nothing but contempt for those assholes and their stupid mind games.
Now, if they’re a prude… well, you’re probably shit out of luck. Sorry. There’s no way to talk to someone about sex if their whole attitude to it can be summed up as ‘EWWWW’ or ‘How dare you speak of the thing which shall not be named!’ Seriously, there’s nothing you can do with that. Let’s be honest here, they’re probably not all that good in bed even if they’re attractive enough to float your particular boat. Refusing to know anything about sex usually means being bad at it, obviously – and that’s different from just being ignorant about it, okay? Ignorance can be solved. So do yourself a favor and find someone else with a better attitude.
Finally – Happy New Year and all that! I hope your holidays were filled with sexy fun times, and only a little awkwardness. This brain dump of whatever was brought to you by Shay’s random musings about sex.