I still hate Fifty Shades

I’m being besieged by trailers for Fifty Shades Darker, now that it’s out in the theaters where I live.

My opinion on the series itself notwithstanding, even if I had never heard of it before, I wouldn’t be willing to go see it. The acting is mediocre at best.

I’m really not sure what people are expecting here. The Fifty Shades series is, by and large, a threadbare excuse to write innumerable pseudo-BDSM sex scenes. It has no depth, no class, and no easy way to add any; it’s a walking talking porn (almost) without plot. And on this horrible not-plot, the film has to hang a love story that might be believable to aliens who have only had actual romance described to them using sock puppets.

Christian Gray is still an abusive waste of humanity. Anastasia Steele is still insipid and forgettable. I don’t need to go to it to know that there will be no satisfying sex scenes, thus rendering the entire experience pointless.

Any movie with 10% on Rotten Tomatoes is almost guaranteed to be a waste of time and money.


Fifty Shades Darker

I can’t believe they’re making the second one, yet here we are.

My opinion of the Fifty Shades trilogy has not improved. I still loathe it deeply, and console myself that I might be a complete unknown, but at least I don’t write like a hormonal teenager with a concussion. I have no tolerance for the twisting horror that is Christian Gray’s treatment of Ana, nor of her utter vapidness.

It’s a trilogy about a sociopath and the woman he abuses, where the woman in question is a worthless non-entity. Based as it is on Twilight, this is not surprising.

You remember I said that E.L. James next book would be a flop? Well, I did not bet on her writing a version of Fifty Shades from Christian’s perspective. Of course that waste of words would sell well.

I can but hope that the Fifty Shades Darker movie will be as ridiculous as the first. I still hope for a flop, but it seems that a third movie is inevitable at this point.