Trauma

So… I don’t post many identifiable details here. My anonymity is something I hold close.

In December, I suffered through a traumatic event. I can’t go into specifics. But I was surrounded by the people I love, and I was cared for. I had support. I had help. They brought me through the darkness.

Coming back from that took a while. I was offered counseling; I refused it on principle. I thought it unnecessary. Better it go to someone more in need. I thought I could recover alone, and for so long I truly thought I was fine.

Someone said the wrong thing today. They knew as soon as they saw my face that they had made a mistake. The conversation fizzled out for a time. I went to be somewhere private so that I could collect myself.

I don’t know if you’ve ever felt what it’s like to be suddenly reminded of pain. It’s so visceral. My stomach clenched, and uncoiled slowly, and I couldn’t say a word. I felt that sudden wash of emotion all over again, not so much reliving the trauma, but hearing echoes of it all around.  Have you ever felt that? It’s difficult to parse into words.

I really thought I was doing okay, that I’d left it behind. Turns out it takes longer to fix a wound than you think.

But I am still loved.

I called someone who was with me, that day. We talked. I… processed. It takes time to heal, but it’s easier when you have a shoulder to cry on, and an ear in which to spill out your heart. The trauma becomes less so. Another scar to carry around.

I didn’t do any writing last night, and I think I will not be able to do anything tonight. But I’m okay. I’ll get through this.

//shay

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