When nothing you do seems to work

Welcome back to Shay’s weird relationship advice column, for all your actually-works dating methods needs!

So, now we should talk about when shit doesn’t work out and you can’t seem to find anyone who isn’t all kinds of crazy, or anyone at all. This happens. It’s also the thing that men’s rights activists get majorly upset about, and start stupid shitty programs like those Pick Up Artist books or whatever.

(If you’re a dude who’s considering buying into that shit, STOP. Just don’t. That snake oil is as bad as Cosmo and frankly all kinds of creepy to boot.)

Anyway, I dunno if this is more for the menz or the wimminz, but I like to think I write for everyone, so let’s just dive in.

First of all, your inability to get into a relationship doesn’t say jack shit about you as a person. Would you think something is wrong with you if, say, you dislike some of your co-workers? No? Look, people sometimes just don’t get along. It’s no reflection on either, it just is what it is. So don’t beat yourself up too badly if you had a few relationships that didn’t work out, or if you can’t seem to find anyone who shares your enthusiasm for mutual sexy times. It doesn’t make you a loser. It doesn’t make you anything but a person not currently in a satisfying relationship.

Second of all – get some perspective. Take a good, hard look at how long you’ve been searching and who you’ve been interacting with. If you’ve been talking to the same five people for the last year, don’t be surprised if you’ve had no sexy times.

See, it’s all about the law of averages. The more people you talk to, the higher your likelihood of meeting someone for whom you are their vision of sexy glory fun times. And this is true regardless of what you look like, I shit you not.

Thirdly – rule out the obvious stuff. You need a basic level of hygiene to go out and interact with other humans without scaring them off. If you don’t shower regularly, then no, you ain’t gonna get in the sack with anyone with a functioning sense of smell.

(Major caveat to that – gym sweat smell. For some people, the smell of workout sweat is the aphrodisiac of the gods. So don’t feel too self-conscious about that.)

Fourthly – find someone you trust who you know for a fact isn’t out to get you or batshit insane. Find several such persons to increase the sample size and get better data. Ask them if anything you’re doing seems like a bad idea – if there’s a pattern you can’t see, or a kind of behaviour you’re engaging in that’s an obvious red flag.

Don’t ask the people you want to date. They will lie to you ‘to spare your feelings’. Fuck that noise. You need brutal honesty.

Fifthly – once you get some feedback, don’t take it personally. You did ask for it. Just think about it a while, see if it makes sense.

Sixthly – the answer is not to change yourself to fit expectations. Let’s be honest here – that shit is like trying to move a fucking mountain with your bare hands and it’s about as successful most of the time. The answer is to find someone who is into your brand of crazy. If a friend tells you that people are put off by your incessant desire to talk about Pokemon, then you need to join a Pokemon forum and see if any fellow Pokemon lovers want to join you in unholy trainerhood. Trust me, it’s a lot less difficult than trying not to talk about Pokemon, if you do indeed love it like whoah.

Like everything else in this world, if some shit isn’t working, STOP DOING IT. It’s a stupid idea to keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting to get different results. If you’re trying to meet people while being drunk in shitty bars and keep getting assholes interested in you, then maybe you should, I dunno, trying Internet dating for a while.

Finally – don’t think you can trick someone into a relationship. Because that is a shitty thing to do, obviously, and it has a reeeeeeeally low chance of working out. So even if you think being honest is going to lower your chances, just fucking be honest. It’ll likely save you a lot of pain later.

I hope this has been instructive, my friends. Until next time!


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