On the finding of people, perhaps behind the couch

“The issue is finding someone…”

I hear you, man. Goddamn people, always getting lost, just like my car keys. (Nah I’m just kidding, don’t leave yet!)

So look – this is another thing the lovelorn say. How to find someone? Cosmo tells you shit like ‘hang around the Apple store’, which, once again, is the dumbest crap I’ve heard in at least an hour or two. Also – it won’t work. All that’ll happen is the nerds employed by the Apple store will constantly ask if you need help, and then stand at a safe distance giving you the evil eye when you tell them no.

Here’s a way to find someone that actually fucking works.

Step 1: Pick a thing you like to do. It’s gotta be something you really like a lot, because:

Step 2: Do that thing as hard as possible. Doesn’t matter if you’re good or not, because that isn’t the point of this exercise. It can be: playing music, giving fashion advice, critiquing modern art, taking detailed measurements of eyebrows, directing porn videos. Who cares? It’s a thing you like to do that other people also do. As long as it’s legal, you’re good.

Step 3: Go online, or somewhere local, and find other people who also do this thing. You’ll have lots to talk about, because you’ve been doing this thing like whoah. Go out and find as many people as possible, on forums, in Meetup groups, on Facebook, whatever, all who do this thing you like to do too. This is the age of teh interwebs, and I guarantee that, no matter how odd your interest, there are others out there for whom it is also the most awesome thing ever.

Step 4: You will find friends. This is good! Just try to meet and talk to as many people as possible, and make as many friends as possible. Through natural human friendship osmosis, you will eventually end up with a strata of friends, from the very close to the mild acquaintance. Continue making friends until you find a few people who rustle your sexual jimmies.

Step 5: Remember what I said in the last post? Find a thing that you and the person you’re into both like to do, and ask to do it with them until maximum levels of fun have been attained? Bonus! You don’t have to find a thing! You already know the thing! It the thing that brought you into contact with each other! THINGCEPTION!

Step 6: From this point on, it’s a matter of doing the thing together and eventually bringing up the subject of indulging in sexy times. If they don’t want to do the thing with you, or indulge in sexy times with you – eh, you win some, you lose some, and at least you still have a friend who might be able to help you in your search. Rinse and repeat as necessary until you’re banging bits with someone, and now you’ll have something to talk about when you’re done with the orgasms.

See, this is the method that seems to be most successful, kids, because it’s the one that’s worked for THE ENTIRETY OF FUCKING HUMAN HISTORY. People get together, bound by a common interest, and it is guaranteed that some of them will be mutually attracted and sexy times will ensue. In order for you to find a suitable person, you just have to get out there and meet as many people as possible, and having a common interest means it’s a hell of a lot easier to meet people, talk to them, make friends, and someday jump in the sack with them.

You do not need to dress up, or put on some kind of attitude, or hide your weirdness, or basically pretend to be someone you’re not in the hopes of impressing your preferred gender. You are not a bird, and you do not need to put on mating displays, for gods’ sake. Down that way lies disappointment and bad romantic comedies.

Now… I’m sure some of you are saying, “But I’ve tried that, Shay! And I’m still all on my lonesome and no one wants to do the horizontal mambo with me!” Well, have some patience, my dears. I’ll get to that in the next post.

//shay

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