Things not to do in bed

I’m sure this is a burning question for all you young’uns who have just started having legal sexy times, especially if you’re not too experienced. What are the things that no one should ever do in bed?

Aren’t you happy that your friendly neighborhood Shay is here to keep you on the level?

First things first – there is technically nothing you can’t do in bed so long as you’re not breaking any other non-sex-related laws. So like, shooting up heroin in bed? Don’t do that. And if you’re breaking some sex-related laws (like all you poor bunnies living in places where homosexual sexy times are highly frowned upon), you have the singular obligation of making sure your partner(s) are into it and none of you are going to sustain any long term injuries.

So do your fucking homework on the BDSM, is what I’m saying basically.

Second thing – don’t attempt anything too ambitious. Like, if you’ve never had stuff up your butt before but you’re into anal like whoah, don’t try for a threesome with two dicks up there or something straight off the bat. You are DEFINITELY going to hurt yourself. For any new kink or fetish you want to try, start small and work your way up or in. Otherwise you’re likely to turn into the next hilarious story the ER nurses tell each other, and you may even make the evening news as that moron who did that insane thing in order to get orgasms aplenty and had to be rescued by well-meaning firemen who were just polite enough not to laugh their collective ass off.

Third and final thing, my dears – don’t do shit in bed that could hurt someone outside of it. Like, if you go in for sexy times for reasons other than wanting to get off or wanting to make babies, then there is likely something wrong and you shouldn’t be doing it. You know there’s a lot of stupid emotional stuff that’s made far more complex and painful with the addition of various pairings engaging in sexy times in order to spite someone, or get revenge, or a rebound, or… Fuck it, pick a reason that isn’t orgasms or procreation and it’s probably better if you just sat down and talked it out instead of fucking the issue away.

So there you have it. This ain’t an exhaustive list, but you get the idea. Happy sexy times for all!


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