Things to do in bed

Let’s see… Looks like it’s bourbon o’ clock! Time for more of my hilarious advice in the realms romantic!

So, as you may know if you’re above the age of consent and ever seen an issue of Cosmo, there are like eleventy million dumbass articles out there describing the best things to do with and to your partner in bed while using varying degrees of shitty metaphors for dicks and vaginas.

And it’s always PARTNER, singular, as if no one’s ever had the bright idea of having super sexy fun times with more than one person at the same time.

These articles are inevitably titled something like “HOW TO DRIVE YOUR [insert stupid pet name here] WILD WITH THESE TEN AWESOME TIPS!!!” To this day, I don’t know who’d write or read these things, but they inevitably make me fear for the quality of sex education in this country. And possibly make me despair of all humanity, if by some chance I’m linked to one in absolute seriousness instead of hilarious irony.

Anyway. Groan-inducing titillation aside, I have the answer that these guys won’t give you. The REAL answer. The things that actually work, as opposed to the bullshit they use to sell magazines. Let’s dive right in, shall we?

  1. So, first thing to do is TALK. No, I am not fucking kidding, and I don’t care that you’re embarrassed. You’re about to get naked and freaky with someone, YOU HAVE NO SHAME. Remember this.

    Maybe you think that shit isn’t sexy, but human beings are not psychic. The only way you’ll find out what your partner(s) want to do in the sack is ASK THEM. So you should. And refer to diagrams on the internet if you’re not sure of something. You may even discover mutual kinky shit to partake in.

  2. You know how sex is fucking hilarious?

    No? The fuck have you been, on Mars with the Curiosity Rover?

    Sex is the funniest shit ever, if only for the silly positions. Yeah, I know porn always looks like everyone is in pain because they’re making stupid porn faces, but trust me, actual sex between actual people is comedy gold.


    Not AT your partner, okay? Laugh about whatever the hell you’re trying to do. Laugh with them. Giggle like a Japanese schoolgirl (bonus points if you’re dressed like one). Don’t do it nervously, or with anything less than your whole heart, but laughing during the one time where most people are flat out ridiculous just makes sense.

  3. Pay attention to your partners. You’re not oblivious, and it’s pretty fucking stupid to keep doing something that’s not improving the sexy times for everyone involved. Keep a watch out for uncomfortable squirming or twitching, if not someone saying flat out, ‘hey, that’s not fun!’

    Follow this rule really, really fucking carefully if you’ve decided to try out some of the shitty tips from other writers who are not me. When – not if, WHEN – your bedmate says ‘HOLY SHIT WHY ARE YOU RUNNING A SPORK DOWN MY SPINE ARE YOU HANNIBAL LECTER’, you’ll be glad you listened.

Welp, that’s enough text for tonight, friends. More later as and when I think of them. For now, I wish you all luck and happiness in your pursuit of happy sexy times. Leave a comment if you want me to turn your relationship problems into the butt of a post’s worth of jokes.


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