Sex tips

My torment by Amazon continues. Until then, let’s not let the lack of free porn depress us – time for some sex tips from a person who’s actually had sex, for people who’ve never had sex! (Unlike whoever writes Cosmo and whatshername from Fifty Shades!)

Don’t be afraid. No really, just don’t be afraid. You might be nervous doing it for the first time, but also horny and wanting things you can’t really name properly. This is going to scare you because you’re human. But it’s okay. Whatever you feel is normal. People have been scared of the unknown since the dawn of civilisation. Up to a point, you gotta trust your biological imperative to know what it wants.

Be sensible. Yeah, you can be horny, but come on – we’re not the sum of our animal instincts. They invented condoms and STI testing for a reason. Before you get all hot ‘n’ bothered, take a good, long, rational look at sex and make sure you’re not going into it blind. And no, I’m not talking about porn. Porn is unrealistic. Go to Planned Parenthood or something. They know their shit, they’ll make sure you know yours too.

Don’t get creative on your first try. Personal opinion time – if you’ve never done something before, you want to know the damn basics first. By this I mean your first time should probably be in a bed and naked, not up a tree dressed as a clown. You may want to fuck while dressed as a clown (and I am not judging, believe me) but one thing at a time, seriously. There’s a whole world of sexytimes out there for you to enjoy and in general there’s no rush. Best if you practice the boring kind of sex before getting kinky. If your partner wants to bring the kinky without you being ready for it, then you need to get a new partner who isn’t stupid.

Talking is okay. It is okay to talk during sex to make sure that all involved are enjoying themselves. I know people don’t talk in porn, but that’s because they have a fucking script – literally – that makes them look telepathic. Us normal people have to ask if it looks like our partner is grimacing in pain. No, it will not ‘ruin the mood’. It’s called being an adult who can articulate themselves without resorting to Jedi mind tricks.

Sexy stuff is not always sexy. And that’s okay as well. Personally, 90% of sexy talk makes me laugh instead of turning me on. I’d much rather be doing the actual fucking instead of talking about it, if you know what I mean. Everyone has their own preferences, and if something don’t get your motor running, then that doesn’t mean you’re broken or something. It just means you don’t get off on [insert sexy thing here that other people like]. (True story – I thought I was insane because I don’t enjoy French kissing all that much, but just the idea of a dick in lacy underwear makes me want to hump everything.)

Don’t sleep with someone who doesn’t respect your preferences. Don’t want to go down on a lady? Don’t want to take your socks off? Then don’t. Explain why by using your oh-so-clever ‘talking’ tactic mentioned above, preferably before sexytimes happen so everyone knows what the dealbreakers are. Again, it’s totally normal to have preferences and being forced to do something you really don’t want to do is a shitty move. (Addendum: you will sometimes do something you’re not into because you know your partner likes it. This is also normal and happens all the time outside of sexytimes. No, sexytimes are no different in that respect. Just don’t let yourself be pressured into it.)

IF IT IS NOT FUN, STOP DOING IT. Sex is supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to have lots of sexy happenings, usually along the lines of everyone getting naked, rubbing body parts together in interesting ways, and ending in orgasms a-plenty. It does not have a script or a finishing line. It does not come with a magical set of instructions for producing said orgasms because PEOPLE don’t come with a magical set of instructions either. Basically, we’re all kinda making it up as we go along, but the one common factor to everyone is this: it is a thing you do, either alone or in company, and it’s supposed to be FUN.

And now I’m going back to crying at Amazon.


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