Things they don’t tell you…

…when you decide to start writing erotica. Of course I’m going to tell you; I have no shame here. This is practically a public service.

  • Write the sex scenes in private, preferably in your bedroom. You WILL get horny and it’s slightly ridiculous to have to explain to the public at large why you’re all hot ‘n’ bothered.
  • On that note: you will need to factor in the time it takes for you to get off, either alone or with the partner of your choice, into your usual writing period. Otherwise you’ll lose all concentration from being blue-balled.
  • Trying to write while fucking is a nice idea in theory, but far too difficult to pull off in practice. (Yes, I have tried this.)
  • You will have to watch porn for research. If this makes you feel ashamed or uncomfortable, go do something else until you’re cool with explicit displays of sex (seeing as that’s pretty much what you’re writing about).
  • You will learn far, far too much about fetishes and other weird kinky stuff that you wouldn’t attempt even while drunk. Try not to display this knowledge unless you know it’ll be well received.
  • Having sex on the brain will affect your own sex life if you don’t already think about it a lot. If you have no partner, you’d better invest in some sex toys for the aforementioned getting-off time. If you do have a partner, you may want to let them know why you’ve suddenly turned into a nymphomaniac.

And finally..

  • Writing porn is no excuse for shitty prose. Make it sexy, make it scary, but if you don’t make it good, it needs to sit on your hard drive until you can improve it.
  • Yes, even porn has standards.

Opinions, I have them.


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