But I’m feeling okay. This is hardly the first cold I’ve ever experienced.
I went to an event today. An unspecified event, consisting of a number of talks and lectures on a subject in which I am most interested. In the midst of all these people, I still felt very alone, unfortunately. Sometimes I don’t think I’m ever able to cast off this… persona, I guess, of the loner with no friends who doesn’t talk to anyone.
Which is a shame. But I loved the talks, and they gave me things to think about and to expand upon. It was tangentially related to writing, so I’m pleased I learned something useful. I don’t want to give in to my social awkwardness. I want to be able to handle a little uncomfortableness, a little anxiety, for the sake of gaining new knowledge.
Such is the way of the world, for me at least. I’m horribly socially awkward, did you know that? In person, I can hardly talk to people at all. I’m always thinking about the social context, and trying to plot the things I should say and the actions I should perform. It wears me down, having to maintain this mask. I find it much easier to throw up the mask of “generic patron reading their phone” in the nearest coffee shop. It’s just less stressful, because I can do it on autopilot.
Now I’m going to go and draw more flowers, or maybe noses.